Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
