Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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