Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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