my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
