i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.