This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there was a trapeze. enough said
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.