u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.