I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
