I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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