I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
