he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
