Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There r osticjed everywhere
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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