On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
