1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
