Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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