Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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