Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
