My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
