I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
