PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
