I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
