I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i out mim tonsoeep
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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