So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
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We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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