So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
