That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
