am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
