Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
