Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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