Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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