As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
