If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just gift wrapped bread.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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