oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
