Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
