"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
