So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
