Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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