I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
