Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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