Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
