i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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