The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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