mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
