Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
