you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
