Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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