I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
