At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
