So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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