Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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