Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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