I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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