Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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