38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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