i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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