I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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