I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
