I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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