Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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