I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
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