i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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