chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it's great music for shaving your balls
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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